In “Pinocchio,” when Geppetto wished upon a star, a hunk of wood became a real boy.
Eighty-three years later, Disney’s latest animated film, called “Wish,” which is sort of about the origin of that same magical ball of gas, couldn’t be more wooden, manufactured or lifeless.
Running time: 95 minutes. Rated PG (for thematic elements and mild action). In theaters Nov. 22.
The vacuous intellectual-property parade gets by on making ample references to other, better Disney films such as “Mary Poppins” and “Peter Pan,” the reason being that it’s a nostalgia trip for the studio’s 100th anniversary.
Well, as far as birthday celebrations go, “Wish” is about as special as throwing your “I’m a century old!” bash at a rest-stop Arby’s.
Will young kids enjoy themselves? Of course. The sidekick is a cute goat. The House of Mouse might be in a creativity rut, but the studio nevertheless knows who butters its bread. It’s Mom and Dad who will wish they were at a bar instead.
Ariana DeBose (Anita in Steven Spielberg’s “West Side Story”) voices Asha, a 17-year-old girl who lives with her family on a Sicily-like island in the Mediterranean. Called Rosas, it’s lorded over by a force much deadlier and more frightening than the Mafia — Chris Pine.
The confident teen introduces us to her hometown in a spirited number called “Welcome to Rosas” that’s a trite rip-off of “The Family Madrigal” from “Encanto,” the studio’s last decent November release. If only “Wish,” with serviceable songs by Julia Michaels and Benjamin Rice, had even half a “We Don’t Talk About Bruno.”
Pine — who’s back to warbling songs again after 2014’s “Into the Woods” — plays King Magnifico, a sleazy leader with the ability to grant his subjects’ wishes. Traditionally, on a person’s 18th birthday, they confide in the king their ultimate dream — which turns into a glowing blue orb — and he promises that he will eventually make their wish come true.
But, whoopsie, Magnifico never actually follows through. His spell is a one-two-punch that makes the people of Rosas forget what their wish was in the first place, thus keeping them appeased and without dangerous ambition.
When go-getter Asha interviews to be the sorcerer’s assistant, she’s horrified to discover Magnifico’s true intentions and that her grandfather’s (Victor Garber) decades-old wish won’t be granted. So she runs away and appeals to the stars like her late father once told her to.
“So I make this wish! To have something more for us than this!,” DeBose belts in a tune called “This Wish” that’s an imitation-crabmeat “Let It Go” or “How Far I’ll Go” (from “Moana”).
The Broadway and film actress sounds lovely. Too bad she doesn’t have better music or a more memorable role for her Disney animation debut.
Asha’s emotional plea is answered, and down hurtles a star named, er, Star — yet another thoughtless choice that makes one wonder if writers Jennifer Lee and Allison Moore had to clock out right at 5 p.m.
Star is designed to be the smiley spawn of Kirby and Laa-Laa the yellow Teletubby, which is to say, it’s not so much a character in a fairy tale as a marketable Christmas present.
And so Asha, Star, Valentino the goat (Alan Tudyk) and some chatty animals embark on a tiresome quest to bring down Magnifico.
When the group learns that all living things are made of stardust, kids sitting in the theater get a musical lesson in egotism: “If you really wanna know just who you are — you’re a star!”
In the end, the adult audience of “Wish” feels much the same as its outspoken heroine: “So I make this wish! To have something more for us than this!”
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